I told Rick the other day that anticipating chemo makes me feel like I have cancer with a capital C. But the truth is that I really don't. I had a choice and I chose to have chemo. My surgeon thought I might need chemo and my oncologist thought I definitely needed it, but the choice was mine to make. At Stage 2, Grade 2, with a 3.3 cm. tumor and an Oncotype DX number of 21, the decision was not a slam dunk, but I believe it's the smart decision. I hope to remember that when I want to complain over the next few months. Oh, I'm sure I'll do plenty of complaining, but I have a lot of reasons not to.
A lot of people who have chemo have a much worse prognosis than I do, like an inoperable tumor, or cancer in their blood or bones. For them chemo may be the only treatment available to fight an aggressive cancer and a bleak prognosis.
My chemo will be preventive. For all I know there may be no cancer left in my body at all. There was none detected in the margins after my surgery and none in my lymph nodes. I am having chemo just in case there are cancer cells that might have spread to other parts of my body in my blood stream. I am having chemo to make a good prognosis better.
When I want to feel sorry for myself, I hope I remember that children go through chemo and their parents suffer through it with them. My friend, Laurel, would gladly go through chemo for her little granddaughter if she could.
My friend, Kim, would gladly have gone through chemo in her little boy's place; she would gladly have taken his cancer on herself if she could have. Now she cherishes his memory and the anticipation of being reunited with him in Heaven.
Someday I will die of something and when I do I believe that I'll pass into a far better reality with my Lord and Savior than I've ever known here. I don't fear that. I have already lived to see my three children grow up and to know and love five grandchildren. I have enjoyed over forty years of happy marriage with the love of my life. If I die tomorrow, I would have lived a very blessed life on this earth.
But of course, I'd like to stick around awhile. I'd like to outlive my dad and I know he'd like that too. I'd like to grow old(er) with my husband and see all our grandchildren grow up.
I believe God heals in many ways and often He does it through medical science. Improving my already good prognosis through chemotherapy seems like the smart thing to do and so I choose to do it.
Tomorrow morning I'll have outpatient surgery to have my Mediport put in place and next week I'll have my first treatment.
Your attitude is so inspiring!! :D
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah. So are you! I love how you are chronicling your own illness and recovery in your blog. Health problems are hard enough to deal with anytime, but especially at your age. I think your blog could be such an encouragement to other young people diagnosed with similar problems who might feel isolated and discouraged. I learned about a lot about C-Diff when my father had it, so I know it's really scary and that was only the beginning for you, wasn't it?
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