My First Week in the Chemo Zone

Watching a movie during my first chemo infusion

It's been one week since my first chemo infusion and I know this isn't going to be my brightest and best blog post. It may be a long time before I feel mentally sharp again. There is such a thing as "chemo brain" which is nothing to joke about. It's truly scary and I don't have it, but still, I am always aware that my thinking and communication skills are not up to par.

There are so many odd things about this experience and so many things I want to avoid in talking/writing/blogging about it. I don't want to descend into negativity and self absorption. This is simply not going to be an easy time in my life. Physically I am probably not going to feel good again for a few months. But still I know I have so much to be thankful for and choosing to remember and focus on those things is key to my well being. For example, they have very good anti-nausea medications now, and I haven't experienced debilitating nausea. And I am blessed to have a husband who is helping me with anything and everything he can.

The view from where I sat

I am in an almost ideal situation as far as my work is concerned. I am able to work from home while I am on chemo and I work a split shift which allows me to nap between segments of my shift. I don't think I'd be able to work much at all if I had to get dressed up, drive to work and work eight or more hours straight. Thankfully, my intermittent FMLA was approved without all the problems I had last time, which means my absences will be job protected. 

Working is a mixed blessing. It gives me much needed distractions from sitting around focusing on my symptoms and side effects. I've read that people who are able to work during chemo suffer less depression than those who don't. Still, working is very difficult. My job requires me to be mentally focused and pay attention to details, while talking on the phone to people who may be difficult and demanding. I can't make excuses for myself or tell them anything other than "I'm fine" if they ask, although I am always dealing with some pain, discomfort and/or digestive upset.

I do have some paid sick leave accumulated and at the start of the year I would have thought I had far more than I'd ever need. Now after two surgeries, multiple doctor's appointments and my first chemo treatment, I have about 123 hours or a little over three weeks paid sick leave left. If I am able to endure six infusions three weeks apart as planned, it will be over eighteen weeks before I'm through with chemo. If I deplete my sick leave, I'd then have to use up my vacation time, and any additional time off would be unpaid. That is the main reason I'm trying to work as much as I can now and save my paid sick leave for when I really need it later. So I missed 4 hours the day of my chemo infusion last week and haven't missed any work since. 

A sunset viewed from a hill in our neighborhood

Rick has been good about encouraging, but not nagging, me to get outside after work and walk with him and the dogs. Even though I often don't feel like it when we leave the house, I am always glad I did. The exercise and fresh air do me so much good and we are enjoying beautiful weather. 

I was able to go to church last Sunday, and that also did me a world of good. It was wonderful to see so many loving caring friends. I was especially motivated to go because we were going to have visiting musicians leading worship and I remembered them well from the last time they came. The music of Amy Shreve and her husband, Gary, was like medicine to my soul and chatting with Amy after the service was delightful.

In the words of Horatio G. Spafford's beloved hymn, which Amy sang so beautifully, "Even so, it is well with my soul."