OK, Girlfriends, can we talk? Because you know, facing down a cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy, you try not to be shallow. You try to keep your priorities.
First, whether I live or die, I belong to the Lord and I trust in His promise of eternal life.
Second, I have many blessings to be thankful for: my supportive husband, family and friends, medical insurance, good medical care, early detection of my cancer...countless blessing really.
And if this wretched chemotherapy kills off any rogue cancer cells left in my body, that makes any temporary side effects more than worth it.
Yes, I really, truly believe all that.
And I believe in the absolute sincerity of every loved one who has told me that I look beautiful in my hats and earrings and that I am beautiful on the inside. I do find those sweet comments to be very encouraging. And I do know that my husband loves me no matter what.
But dang it, this chemo hits a woman's ego hard and there's no denying it. You know those sort of cute pictures I post of myself on FB or on this blog? Well, anytime I put forth the effort to put makeup on, dress in something halfway decent and wear a hat and earrings that color coordinate with my outfit, I have Rick take my picture, because I know that's the best I'm going to look for awhile.
One of the drugs I'm being treated with, Taxotere, supposedly causes permanent, yes, permanent hair loss in 3-6 percent of women treated with it. I had already told my oncologist I didn't want to be treated with anything that might cause heart damage, because I really do try to keep my priorities in place. That didn't leave a lot of options. I could have tried something called "Penguin Cold Caps" to try to keep my hair, but at the cost of $500 per month for 4 months? Nope, neither my budget nor my priorities would allow for that, although I wouldn't judge anyone who did want to try this.
I haven't lost my eyelashes or brows yet, but it's just a matter of time. I've heard from some chemo veterans that they didn't lose those until weeks after their last treatment, only to have them grow back and fall out several times. That's just cruel.
There's a chance my fingernails will end up discolored and possibly lifting off the nail beds too, but my nails have never been anything but short and raggedy, so I won't pretend that would be a big hit to my self image.
They have very good anti-nausea meds for chemo patients now and that's a good thing. Not that I hoped to lose weight on chemotherapy, but I was unpleasantly surprised to find out that weight gain, yes weight gain, is a more likely side effect than weight loss. Yep, weight gain and fluid retention, especially around the middle. Isn't that special?
And from the first treatment, you can practically feel the stuff drying up your skin. I can certainly see it in the mirror. I keep seeing lines and wrinkles I know weren't there before all this. And I'm just getting tired of seeing my bald head in the mirror.
Some of the best advice I've read on the chemo discussion boards is not to look in the mirror too much. Not that I want to sweat the small stuff, but sometimes you just need to vent about it. Thanks for listening.
And you know, sometimes it's just easier to talk about the small, shallow things than the big scary ones
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